I buy bananas for Dad. Sometimes they go black, at which point I then make a breakfast smoothie for myself – I never waste food. I only buy 4 bananas a week, but Dad doesn’t eat them as fast as I buy them. I usually ask Dad if he wants a banana after dinner. Sometimes he says yes, but sometimes he says he already ate one at noon. Dad never eats lunch. He has breakfast at 9, then tea with snacks at 3pm, and there’s rarely one less banana when he says he already took one. It doesn’t matter. I just say “Okay.”
Yesterday I did my final laundry and bathroom scrub down for Dad. I’ll do it once more after he’s gone. I’d hoped to visit my cousin today, but they have other plans. I don’t blame them. It can be challenging to enjoy Dad’s company. He mostly wants to talk about himself, kind of like an eight year old. There’s a thing called retrogenesis, the idea that as we age, we go backwards, becoming more childlike. Children are selfish with attention. Though some people never grew out of that.
My mother keeps texting me. She knows Dad is living with me, she also likely knows about the Alzheimer’s, and yet she continues to ask me to do things for her every weekend. Being one surrogate spouse apparently isn’t enough. I won’t be able to visit her this weekend, or next. I’m not looking forward to dealing with her as she ages further, but at least then it will be only one parent’s needs.
I’m grateful to have one brother willing to share in caregiver responsibilities. I wonder how he will fare with Dad. I’ve been busy ensuring all Dad’s needs are covered. Dad doesn’t think about preparing his juice smoothie, cleaning his bathroom, clothes, or linens, taking his meds correctly, eating balanced meals, getting exercise, meeting doctors and lawyers. But he does think he can do all this by himself when he moves into a two bedroom two bath apartment. It doesn’t matter what Dad thinks. My brother will have to figure it out. Since Dad trusts him more than me, he’ll be in the right place at the right time.
I’m not a nice person. I’m okay with that. I don’t need other people around me in order for me to be content. I also don’t need to be happy. I’ve learned to appreciate the entire spectrum of human emotions. Sadness paired with a Bonnie Raitt CD and an old fashioned is a beautiful combination. The key is to let go of each emotion, and be open for the next one. I do need to not be responsible for anyone other than myself. I used to think otherwise. People pleasing was my default programming. It took me being truly responsible for another human life in order for me to understand my own conditioning. Program deleted. I’m ready for my reprogramming.
Epilog 