I’m working a half day today. The spring rains will arrive and my gardens will be happy. I’m going to do some deep cleaning next week. I want to buy fresh cut flowers for all my vases. I think there may be a few more cold nights coming, so I’ll delay planting my flower seedlings a few more days. Maybe next weekend.
I tried to use Dad’s credit card yesterday and it was denied. I asked about the other credit cards in his wallet and he said my brother cancelled them, but that he intends to reinstate them when in his apartment on his own. At the Alzheimer’s support group I was reminded to freeze Dad’s credit so he can’t get any more cards issued, and I learned about True Link Financial, a kind of parental control for credit cards…I quickly passed that information onto my brother. Later I called my mother when the farm workers texted me that she hasn’t yet paid them for the work they’ve already done. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother helping either of them. I know, because it’ll eventually be my problem, so I’m trying to mitigate risk. I’m doing the best I can.
My parents did the best they could. They weren’t perfect, not even close when it comes to emotionally nurturing their children, but I’m okay. I have integrity, I have friends. And, the older I get, I have less judgement towards others or myself. My parents couldn’t have messed me up that bad. Now, in their final chapters, I have the chance to help them, as much or as little as I want. It’s not just an opportunity to give back, it’s a time for me to heal. When I give of my own volition instead of obligation, I’m demonstrating conscious choices to myself. When I can practice saying “No” – not all the time like my younger brother, but where I know my limit – I reinforce my sense of boundaries. I can carry that through the rest of my life. I can show myself my ability to protect me. By protecting myself, I create a space to heal. I still don’t know where healing comes from, but I do know that healing helps the pain fall away. Then, where pain has decomposed into fertile ground, forgiveness can grow. In this protected space of blooming forgiveness, I feel whole again. As a whole person, I am free to embrace the world without fear or shame. I know this isn’t a linear process, rather it is ever evolving, and takes time.
I’m ready for a break, from being a caretaker, and from this blog. I’m going to go live a little in this new garden space I’ve carved out for myself. I’m going to plant new seeds and practice all these things I’ve learned.
Epilog 